Mom Guilt

Mom guilt is a real thing.

Today was rough. I had a million things I wanted to get done, a few that had to be and a few projects I promised myself I would finally complete. I woke up and jumped in the shower, taking advantage of the still sleeping toddler in my bed. As I am getting out, I hear that cry. The one only mama can fix, so I rush to throw clothes on and cuddle my sweet boy. After he is fully awake, its go time. Breakfast has to be made, the dogs and cat need to be fed, dishes from last nights dinner still lingering in our sink. Laundry piled up, floors need to be vacuumed (thanks to the fur creatures of the house), and a few errands to run.

Jaxson is playing, running through the house, and taking out the hundreds of toys he has to play with. I pick up one thing and before I can turn around, he is dumping a full bin of toys over. No big deal, he’s having fun, he’s learning, and most of all he is enjoying his day.

Fast forward to now, he is asleep, worn out from a full day of play and no nap. We are cuddled up on the couch, and he is preparing to take on tomorrow. While he sleeps, I am lost, crying, and feel like today I failed as his mom.

Why? Because I spent today cleaning, organizing, and trying to accomplish projects around our house. Could they have waited? Aside from cooking and feeding my family, absolutely they could have. A whole day went by, and I missed so many opportunities to sit on the floor and build blocks with him, or push his cars around the track. I missed these things because of things that could have waited. So tonight, I feel guilty. I watch my baby sleep and realize I am one day closer to him being grown up and not wanting to play with me anymore, and it breaks my heart. So tomorrow I will do my best to be a better mom because it is nights like this that I realize everything else can wait, but he isn’t going to stop growing up

The Shit Reality of Anxiety

I have always had some form anxiety however it was nothing I could not push through…until I became a mom. Now, there are days where I feel as though I am losing my fucking mind.

My fiancenl rides a motorcycle, and it is his favorite past time, yet the second he tells me he’s going riding, I begin to obsess over the “what ifs”. Now brace yourselves because this is the part that makes every look at me like I am insane. The night before he goes riding, I have to cuddle closer than ever, kiss him longer, just feel more connected, because if anything were to happen to him, I want to feel as though I did everything possible to be closer to him. WOW…WRITING THAT OUT IS TERRIFYING!!!!!!! I am literally obsessed with the thoughts that someone around me can die, and even writing this is giving me palpitations thinking I’m jinxing myself.

I know deep in my soul that I cannot prevent the inevitable, yet why do I spend so many days and nights stressed and obsessing over these things?! My fiance is not the only one I have these thoughts about, it’s literally everyone. My dad doesn’t answer, I automatically text him just to see if it pops up to “read” then all is okay. My son is almost 3 and finally sleeping in his own room, I am up 3-5 times a night making sure he is okay.

I have always thought I understood what anxiety was about, yet I truly didnt know what an anxiety attack was until a few months ago. My fiance was gaming, our son and I were playing and I was fixin dinner, everything was calm and normal. All of a sudden I could feel my heart beating faster, my palms seemed clammy, and I started to feel as though I had to focus on breathing. I just had to get out of the house. I loaded up our son in the stroller and just walked out the door. Jake ran after me and without a word, we all just walked. I had no destination, I had no reason, I just had to move. This lasted about 40 minutes before I was able to just break into tears. I couldn’t explain what I was feeling, I had no reason to be upset, yet here I was, a broken mess.

Writing this seemed terrifying to me, because admitting that I am struggling with this is hard. I haven’t told very many people this fear that sits over me because it seems crazy. I know it isn’t rational, yet I continue to struggle with it. I wrote this in one part for others to see they may not be alone but also as a form or therapy for myself. Writing helps me, so I figured I may as well let it helps others.

Feel free to reach out to me with your struggles, your tips and tricks to overcome anxiety, or to just share your thoughts!

This Mama’s Struggle With Body Image

Looking in the mirror after having our son was challenging. For some of us, our hair is a mess…or falling out depending how post partum hair loss is going (I not only thought I was going bald, but i felt as though I was slowly starting to resemble a hairless rat). It may have been days since we put makeup on. We are possibly still in the same sweat pants we put on 3 days ago, and our shirt possibly has spit up, old food, or milk stains on it. However, this may not be the hardest part of looking in the mirror. If you are anything like me, my biggest struggle is seeing the change in my body.

Now first off, self esteem was not always my strong point. I could spend hours doing my hair and makeup, spend a decent amount on a cute outfit, and still find flaws, but post childbirth, this was exacerbated.

In a way I became envious of the mama’s who could take pride in their mom bods. The stretch marks, the cute little pouch I can’t seem to get rid of, all of them, reminders that my body is no longer bikini ready! Now, don’t get me wrong, my son is worth every single body change I went through, but that doesn’t mean I can just turn off my feelings.

I am a csection mama, but the one thing that will never bother me, is that scar. That is something I am proud of!!! I worked hard for that scar!!! Mama’s it doesn’t matter how our littles came into this world, we are all mamas!!

Becoming comfortable with my body image after having our son has been a hard thing to overcome. The changes are inevitable but why is it that it is so hard to accept?

And honestly, let’s discuss the irony behind body image. Do you know how many times I post a photo and think dang, I look pretty good today, and get zero comments on it? Well, it seems that the pictures I post where I’m not feeling super confident about myself, I get the most compliments. How is it that the outside world sees such a different view of how we see ourselves?!

The changes us mamas experience through conception, pregnancy, delivery, postpartum, and motherhood are mental and physical. No matter what battle we attempt to overcome through it all will never change the fact we are strong, beautiful women. Find your strengths and never stop loving yourself because at the end of the day, no matter what we look or feel like, our kids think we are beautiful inside and out!!!!

My Struggle With PCOS Diagnosis

Okay ladies, imagine this, you schedule your yearly “womanly” checkup. You know the one: stir ups, paper gowns, uncomfortable conversation, and of course feeling a little violated as someone digs around your crotch. Yep…that one!
It is the appointment you go to every year, but this time you are bringing up the cramps that have been bothering you for a while. The ones that you’ve brushed off time and time before. This time, the doctor says she wants to look further into it. So you get transferred to the ultrasound room, for a little more invasive digging. Have some blood drawn and told she will call you in a few days. “Eh, okay, no big deal,” you tell yourself as you leave the office to go back to your day. Three or so days go by, and the phone rings, of course while you are busy at work so you can’t pick up the phone. They leave you a message saying the doctor wants to see you.
Fast forward a few days, the doctor walks in and explains your diagnosis…PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome).
This was me ladies. I thought nothing of the cysts I had suffered with prior to this (this was just the first time there was a name to go with it, but the cysts were nothing new). However, this time the tables turned a bit as she explained the calcification on my ovaries was so severe, the possibility of me having children naturally were slim to none. Every word she said after that were sort of a blur to me as I felt like my entire world was caving in. I had wanted to be a mom more than anything in the world, and in one quick moment, I felt as though that dream was vanishing before I was even at that point in my life. She explained to me that when I was ready to start a family, she would give me six months to conceive naturally and if it didn’t happen by then, she would send me to a fertility specialist.
Jake and I had only been together a few months, so we weren’t actively trying for a baby, but suddenly everything felt so different. How was I going to explain this to him? I was falling for him and our dreams of having kids was something we discussed on our first date. We both wanted to raise a family one day. I wasn’t sure how to tell him this news and was terrified this could be it for him. Some of you may be thinking,”No big deal, that’s what science is for!” And you are absolutely right. However, you never know how you will react to news like that, and for me, in that moment, it was soul crushing.
I called my mom on my way home from my appointment and told her the news. She never skipped a beat. She just gave me the confidence that no matter what, it would all work out. That if fertility treatment was the only option for me, that was okay. If that didn’t work there was always adoption, and that was okay too! I went to Jake’s that night and through teary eyes explained everything to him. That even though I may be able to have kids of my own, there was a chance it wouldn’t happen easily. He was amazing. Reassured me that everything was going to be okay, and suddenly I felt a sense of relief. That even though this was all a huge deal, that nothing was for sure. I started researching natural ways to help PCOS and learned that so many symptoms I suffered from finally had a reason behind them. Acne, weight gain, severe cramps, heavy periods, it all finally made sense.
As devastated as I was about all of this, part of me was relieved. I had struggled with my aspects of my personal appearance for so long. I tried every single face wash you can think of. I tried all of the tips and tricks for weight loss. Nothing I tried worked and I just continued to become discouraged. That was until I had a true diagnosis. So after feeling sorry for myself for a few days, I decided to stop wallowing in my sadness and do some research on the best ways to battle PCOS. There was tons of information regarding diet, so I wanted to start there. Most people with PCOS know the struggle of weight issues. Not everyone has them, some do. However, losing weight can be a challenge. I didn’t need to lose a ton of weight (although toning up never hurt anyone 😉) I just wanted to start fueling my body differently. I started to meal prep, and really be conscious of what I was feeding my body with. So instead of splurging on Oreos…which I had been known to do pretty frequently, I chose to ditch those bad boys, and have a piece of dark chocolate instead. It wasn’t as glorious, but it did kick my sweet cravings!

Life may have thrown me a curve ball, but I had decided to take it as it was, and do whatever I could to manage it, and not focus on the maybe. For any of you struggling with PCOS, I hope you know you are not alone. Statistics show that 1 in 10 women are diagnosed during their childbearing years. That is an extremely high number! I would love to talk to anyone else going through a rough time whether it is with a new diagnosis, struggle with infertility, etc. I am here for you!

-Steph

What Brought Me Here

Hey there! Welcome to my story, and of course, thank you for being here!

I want to take a moment to introduce myself and give you a little look into my crazy life. I am sure you’re thinking, “Everyone’s life is crazy, what makes you so special?” You’re right! There is nothing super special about me, except I am brutally honest, I speak my mind, I rarely have a filter, I love with all of my heart, and I adore my family…oh and I talk a lot. With that said, I started blogging to expose the real and raw aspects of mommy life. I want to give my readers the real, the hilarious, the terrifying and most importantly the truth about everything MAMA!

I am truly a nobody in the grand scheme of things. I am just (and don’t take the “just” lightly, as I know how inportant my role is) a stay at home mama, who has had one hell of a journey on this ride we call life. So if you are still interested, continue on to read a little bit about me!

I am 29 years old, and currently live in Texas. I am a California native, although I don’t miss anything other than the weather..and my extended family of course! “Why would anyone move out of California?!” Ahh…the famous question everyone asks. Well, here is why! For starters, it is expensive! I worked my butt off, and didn’t have much to show for it. Just a mediocre apartment in an okay area, IKEA furniture (don’t get me wrong, I love me some IKEA, the point is I was just getting by) and my dad to share the bill with. I was 25 years old, had dreams of becoming a neonatal nurse, worked full time, picked up every odd and end job on the side that I could and was a full time student. Life was flying by, and I didn’t have much to show for it. During a move, from one small apartment to another, the moving truck containing my entire life went up in flames. As I pulled down the street, I could see the truck with flames shooting out of it, and I froze. I met my dad, and the fire crew at the end of that cul-de-sac and watched as every single thing we owned, was burning away (or being soaked with water). So some of you may be thinking, “Oh my God, how terrible”, but don’t feel sorry for me! This was the turning point my life truly needed! My dad and I checked into a hotel room, with our 3 large dogs, my cat, and my tortoise and started to plan our next move. We had decided to not continue onto our next apartment and just reevaluate our next steps. 2 weeks went by and I decided that I could totally go rent another apartment, but it would take me forever to ever put anything in it, or I could pack up what was left and move out of state. Somewhere with a cheaper cost of living and be able to get back on my feet. A new start if you will.

Why Texas? Well in the short version, one of my best friends lived here and was doing pretty dang well for herself! I had always wanted to live in the South (all that damn country music I listen to made red dirt roads, cowboy hats, and square toe boots seem like the best thing in the world). I called my newly retired stepdad and asked if he would make the 25 hour trek halfway across the country with me, and he was in. I visited my family and said my goodbyes. They all pleaded with me to stay, offered me a place to stay, a chance to get on my feet, but at this point, I was determined. No one, and nothing was changing my mind. Everything happened so fast, that I didn’t even tell my friends goodbye. Part of me just didn’t want to. I just needed to get in the car and go, or I would have changed my mind, like I had a thousand times before (this was as not my first dabble in the moving out of state pool). I spent nine long years in what came to be a toxic relationship and I needed to severe ties or my life would have continued to be stagnant. Holding on to what was comfortable is what kept me in the same life situation for way too long. So, off I went on my new adventure…Texas!

I arrived here September 2014 and haven’t regretted my move one time. It was hard, I’m not saying it was a cakewalk, but it was the thing my life needed. I moved here with no job and no real security. I rented an apartment over the internet and decided to just lean on fate. Let me tell you, if you burn all your shit in a fire before moving, it makes unpacking a breeze!

I got hired within 48 hours of arriving here, went to Walmart and got the basic essentials I needed, and rented some furniture. I was finally home.

Let this be a public service announcement to anyone considering a cross country move…DO IT!!!! After the fire, my older brother pulled me aside and told me, “If it doesn’t scare you, it isn’t worth it.” He was 100% right, and that was one piece of advice that has stuck with me. So if you are in the fence, take the plunge and try it, you never know what is waiting for you around the corner.

I took a year to focus on myself, get my life in order, and spend time having fun! In that one short year, I finally found myself. I was a whole new person with a whole new outlook on my future. That is when I met Jake. The love of my life, my sanity, my rock, and the father of my perfect, funny, precious son, Jaxson! From here on out, my story will contain everything I have learned about being his mama. Being a mom isn’t easy, but it is worth every single second. The days fly by, and my life is definitely on a different path then it was a couple years ago, but I wouldn’t trade a single second. Being a mom was what my life was missing. My story is long, my life has been messy, but at the end of the day, my journey has made me who I am today!

Thank you for reading a little bit about me and my journey and I hope you will continue to follow along with me and my sweet and crazy family!

-Steph